Thursday, July 31, 2014

Mountain Crafted Yarn Mister Rooster Cogburn

Hello everyone, I'm writing about a situation that I'm sure could be challenged in court and proved to be of inadequate information and as a downright tale of fiction or in more basic English, a lie. But, I'm standing here alone and with hesitant conviction stating that all in this writing is true and has not been embellished.

We now have an uninvited guest among us. This guest is a one eyed game rooster Debra named Rooster Cogburn. In most cases this fowl of unscrupulous intentions would not bring forth much if any interpolation or speculations. But, as I iterate with pen and paper the deeds of this incredible devious cockerel or to be more exact a downright crafty beggar who in many ways reminds me of a great uncle I have, my worries are that my dear Wife Debra has been completely manipulated by this roosters undeniable nefarious tactics of acquiring sustenance on a daily basis.

Neighbor, to bring this undesirable mishap to an even higher crescendo, Debra feels that what I'm writing about this pathetic transient rooster are not coherent she feels his actions are of the most upright and of honorable intentions. I hereby firmly state that his intentions are calculating and focused on his personal gain; to be more exact, free grub. I must admit that I am somewhat intrigued by his tactics and method of achieving his nefarious goal of gaining sustenance without gainful employment. I believe it is time for me to expound and to authenticate on Mister Rooster Cogburn's underhanded and despicable deeds that he performs to cause an unsuspecting soul to fall for his tantalizing methods of brain washing.

Hereby I give the unadulterated truth of the manner and must leave the final decision of credibility of truth or false to your intellectual expertise. First of all, this conniving beast of a fowls has with I'm sure with planned and strategic forethought orchestrated his appearance of undeniable state of desolate and circumstances that would cause most any unsuspecting person to rush to the aid and give forth any and all assistance to ward off the demise of this poor unknowing and innocent victim whom has fallen into times of personal unforeseen tribulations. In other words, shovel out the chow to him!

You may ask, "How does this poor and harmless scavenger pray upon defenseless victims?" And a good and reasonable question you have requested to be answered. I shall commence to expound on the facts as I see them.

Mister Rooster Cogburn one day was found to be haphazardly wondering around in our front yard for what seems to us for no particular reason. But in only moments we were suddenly confronted with his sounds of sorrow, loneliness and despair. Which Debra at haste went back into our home and returned with bread and staples fitted for a king. After enjoying his meal and I must add without any reasonable etiquette the said rooster commenced to sing for his meal or actually crow at the astonishment of both Debra and myself. As you will be able to establish for yourself with my further writings, this was the beginning of a never ending scenario. And a planned plot by stated chicken!

With diligent investigation we have mutually come to the conclusion that Rooster Cogburn belong to no one in this valley and obviously has no home to call his own. If you are one of a tender heart, do not despair for one moment more. In fact as you shall see as I continue with Rooster Cogburn's scheme you might want to follow his example, give up your own home and enjoy the fruits of your labors without having to do any labor at all. We have spoken with our neighbors within this valley and we all have come to the same conclusion that good old rooster Cogburn has purposely laid out a plan so that he can feast off the fat of the lamb without having to ruffle a single feather.

Here is how this devious bird has accomplished his goal. At around 6:45 AM he will make his presents known to our home by roosting on our porch railings and then commence to crow as if ordered by god to bring forth the new day. He will continue with this ear splitting nuisance until Debra will come out to the porch with food in hand, sit on the porch and hand feed him. You heard right, he will come to her and take his morning offerings right out of her hand. Then to top off his scam, he will make gurgling noises in his throat to her. Debra believes he's talking to her. I know better, he is only a practitioner of evil intent.

After he notices that he has diminished the bounty, he will bid his adoes and head for our neighbors house and exactly duplicate the same strategy to them what he has accomplished with us.

I could understand if this was an occasional occurrence, but Rooster Cogburn has this deception down to a fine art. Not only does he have his internal clock to arrive at our home at 6:45 AM, he returns at noon and to finish off the daily rations he arrives around 3:30 to 4:00 PM for his evening snack. Now folks think about this for a minute. There are 3 houses in this valley on this side of the river. Rooster cogburn is wondering from one home to the next and enjoying delicacies such as pizza, cookies, bread of all sorts, dog and cat food, he's even known to partake of candy. OK you might say, he's doing well for himself being homeless and all of that. Well please allow me to expound on Rooster Cogburns way of showing his appreciation for what he is receiving.

I have to clean and scrub my porch down every other day because of the thank you OFFERINGS Rooster cogburn leaves deposited daily. Not only I have to partake of this discussing chore, but it has been reported by our other neighbors that they also have their own established routine of cleaning their own porch.

I shall end with this humble statement. Debra is the preparer of meals in this home. So, when she speaks of how a sweet boy Rooster Cogburn is and how he is just so wonderful how he takes food from her offering hand, I speak not and grab my scrub brush and water hose and commence to cleaning the porch. Because I know that if I choose to take a stand against this evil, manipulating, discussing and conniving rooster, I will end up eating my own food out of a can with a spoon!

With humility and humbleness, Barry

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